I was to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
(I really like this one!!!) Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot..."
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I not understand please."
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I had to go down to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.
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The N.E.H.U race from Melton Mowbray 21/4/2012 was won by Peel bros of South Shields, they took 1st club 1st fed, also taking 2nd and 4th club and 15 of the 25 birds clocked in the club......well done Peel brothers.
